It is super strange… I find the whole creative process of writing something harder than it looks. I find it hard to get past the original idea. I haven’t thought of anything passed that. It goes back to the idea that I can’t be bothered to put in the work to get to the point of being fulfilled by writing. I want to wake up one day and be finished with the writing. I want the reward without the effort.
This I feel is part of life, in that many of the things we want, we need, are assumed to be easy to come by but the point that I know and have known for ages, and something that I have only just become to really realise is that nothing worthwhile happens without effort or hard work, or any work for that matter. I just want to win the lottery, put my numbers down and just hope I can get a couple million to get me out of this limbo I am in, not having to worry about getting a house, paying my bills and student loan off and actually having time to just write and not feel guilty about doing so just because I can’t find a job when I desperately want and need one.
As I sit here at this time in my life where I have finished education, finished my Masters in Geopolitics and Security I find myself at a crossroads. I want a job, I need a job to access that next stage of my life because right now I feel as though I am in limbo. I am stuck between going into the security/politics sector, something that I have always been fascinated by, something over the past three years I have grown to like and try to understand and the media/radio side of it all, which during the last three years I have equally found the same interest in.,
I don’t know what to do, and to be honest with myself I haven’t done anything, anything at all. I have just been waiting and lying about what I have done. I keep telling myself that “tomorrow I will get a job (or at least apply for them)” but it never happens. I am surrounded by successful people, who have jobs, who although they might be bored out of their minds but at least they’re getting paid for doing that job, I want that. I am surrounded by successful people and am afraid of failure. I am afraid of if I go for anything in the security/politics area, my life will change. Nothing has happened in my life, by which I mean, I have not been the victim of violence, or in any danger, or witnessed any danger like terrorist attacks, or people who wish to do harm. I feel if I go for this world, then I am exposing myself and being exposed to the world which is really seen by the normal people outside of the action adventure movie or television series, and that scares me.
This needs to change, things are changing in my life but they are changing for the worse. I am getting fatter, beginning to rival the weight of my father, and due to increased inactivity beginning to lose the ability to walk among other things and that really scares me, I have no doubt that tomorrow will be better, but only if I can be bothered.
I want to create, I want to write, I want to produce something that people enjoy, that makes people think, that makes people be motivated to do their best (and maybe even achieve their dreams – no matter how unrealistic and unhelpful that view might be). I want to be like those people that I listen to on various podcasts, the people who are interviewed about their accomplishments, their favourite books, or who talk about their favourite films and pop culture. I want to be both the people who are interviewed and those that interview. I am trying to think of something to become my own podcast, where I can just talk and listen, but about what. I am interested in a variety of things, and mediums enough that I just can’t think of what I would sustain over the course of 30 minutes once a week that I would find interesting, not boring and something that the people listening would find interesting and engaging.
And so I search… and so I plan… and so I begin to change.