I wish I could write something and have my name to it but, everything I seem to write becomes an unfinished mess. I guess it never becomes anything but, rather is in a perpetual state of becoming. How profound that statement is, much like the human condition is in a state of becoming and has never actually become anything in its entirety. I have always wanted to become an author but half never really finish a piece because I never seem to fully commit to anything. I hear Stephen King said something along the lines of “If you don’t write at least 2,000 words a day you are no writer!” (I imagine him saying such a phrase in a somewhat raised, somewhat judgemental tone). While never having actually read a Stephen King novel I resonate with this statement and take his advice as something to aspire to be (there we go again being in a state of forever becoming).
I wouldn’t know when I first wanted to become a writer, or even that I am one now. I mean even though I have spent the last 4 years of my life writing essay after essay about the state of the world and the human beings within it, how it came to be, and how it is impacted by the human condition, I have never seen that as writing in the same way that a given author may have written a book. I suppose it is different when you have to write something and then you force yourself to think of something or another and then roll with that idea, and it might get you something in the high 70s (the boundary for the equivalent of a first) which is surprising because you really only wrote that with probably 24 hours to the deadline, but that rush you have when doing something like that, not stress (although there might well be some) keeps you going especially in the dark times when it is only you in the computer room, even the whole building, at 2am starting to sing to yourself as you digress into madness promising yourself that you can never let it get to this stage again, while listening to the greatest hits of 2006 in the UK charts, or maybe 2009 when you say to yourself that you can sing, I mean everyone can sing right, but that not everyone can sing well… maybe? When you get that that idea of how you might go about starting those 2,000 words, or starting that 15,000 project, it is the best feeling when it all starts to click and the seemingly unrelated things you read start to form into place, much less like a jigsaw puzzle, although similar, although you’re blind and have no hands, and if you can see, there is just an immense fog clouding everything until that moment when it all starts to come together and the fog lifts, ever slightly revealing that you’re not actually blind but rather just deluded after hours and hours, days and days without any sleep and you start to think you’re blind.
Now this isn’t going to be the start of some classic, fancy book, or some other type of internet blog that shows some informed way of seeing the world but rather an uninformed person talking about his limited vision of the world, which is probably right at home on the internet among all the other informed, or rather informing people who have no real business, just access to do so.
This isn’t going to be some 2,000-page thing (gosh I hope not) or even just a 2,000-word blog post somewhere on the internet, but rather a declaration to anyone that will listen, including myself, that I will get going with writing this 2,000 words a day thing (using thing as a placeholder, if you haven’t already noticed because I cannot think) to get my creative juices flowing and start doing something with my days. Being currently in a state of limbo finishing my masters and looking for a job I need something to keep me going, and after all is said and done having something to say that I have done once per day.
I cannot say for one that I will be able to spell check any of this at all, or that it will make any grammatical sense what-so-ever, or that it will flow at all, but that it will be something for me to do and potentially look back on in the years to come and say that I have done something.
Once a day then, I will write something. That doesn’t make sense, of course I will write something. What I mean to say is that for the next few days, months, or years, I will do as Mr. King says and write 2,000 words. I am currently at over 800 words and am starting to have some creative block, reusing words as connectors like “but” excessively, but (there I go again) I don’t mind, maybe over the next few whatevers I’ll see some change in my writing, my vocabulary, and maybe my outlook on life if I am to be optimistic.
It’ll start with a week, and then a month, and then 5 weeks, and hopefully by then I will have a job. That however, is not the end goal, not to do this until I have a job, but until I have 2,000 days under my belt. That is one hell of a challenge… and I guarantee I will almost fail, completely and utterly but isn’t that half the fun? Expecting you will fail, and then surprising yourself after such a time that you can actually commit to something, even if it is just some weird ramblings which make no sense, not even to the person that is writing them? It is somewhat even therapeutic, and something that I have not thought of, a way to spend time getting lost in my own madness, for one I am at the tail end of the flu, or some disease, and so I have my honey and lemon drink, but I just started writing on my laptop, something I didn’t think I’d do for long as I have a film on pause, and my hot lemon and honey drink is no longer hot, or even lemony (that last bit might be important but oh well…). Time just escapes me, it escapes us all at times, and this is a good a reason any other to admit that I don’t know how long I have been typing for but that I have been tying nonstop for ages since I started, and it doesn’t feel like that, THIS IS FUN!
In the likeliness of my fun diminishing I will pause here and come back later as I have about 850ish words to go to get my quota. It has been something I liken to sorting out my life, sorting out the inner workings of my mind, getting to know myself. I wonder how I can make any of these assumptions about this project on the first go of it, not least because I haven’t even finished the first one. As being forever the optimist, somewhat anyway, I shall continue and say I will do this. Some of the pieces will be more reflexive than others, much like this one and others will be a bit more outwardly creative. Well… It’s weird because as much as I say these pieces are more reflexive I cannot seem to stop and think especially as I go from word to word and see the overall word count go up and up as I type.
It’s been around a few hundred words now since I said that I was going to take a break but I haven’t yet done so. I am so enthralled by my own speech I cannot seem to stop myself, no matter how many times my dog makes it near impossible to type hitting and nudging me as she tries to get comfortable on the sofa.