Maybe I’ll keep this short, or endeavour for it to be long; paragraphs and paragraphs long. At the back of my mind i have always had the notion that it is quicker to read something than to write something and now with seemly no motivation to actually get things done in time for a deadline (as was the case for essays over the past 4 years) I have been disheartened.
I could put it down to external excuses – which i won’t name here – but that I have been using to justify to myself why I haven’t got a job yet. This is not the way to go about my life at this point. I have applied for way less jobs than I have told people, this by itself is not a problem; we big ourselves up and over exaggerate by our nature. I cannot remember where I read that truth but every time I do it automatically there is a 2 second period when I ask myself why I did that. What I need to do is get out of this rut I find myself in comfortable in my own complacency, while at the same time being frustrated by my inactivity.
This is the point at which I say goodbye to my former self having spent what I know has been the last 3 weeks of doing the same thing each day, with occasional change. I expect that this is going to be the case when I actually do get a job but the fact of the matter is regardless of whether I am doing to do that when I have a job at the end of the day I will be getting paid for it, not mattering how much I get paid, I will be getting paid and I feel the increasing shame of failure I feel as time goes on/
I have been afraid of failure, the subject of which I may have written about before, either published or not. I have not allowed myself to fail by not attempting to fail, to get rejected continually by jobs applications, but in doing so I realise now I have failed by not even trying in the first place wallowing in my own self sustained pity.
I am going to change… I need to – I cannot continue living my life in this way. I need to change. I am going to get a job not waiting for something to happen without doing anything, as I have been doing, the view of “It’ll work out in the end” I am of the mind that it will, but I can’t wait any longer doing nothing. I am getting restless. It reminds me of something that I have told friends before, who are tired, who are resting, who are lazy like myself that to rest is not to do nothing but it is a change of activity.
I do feel like I’m in a rest period, especially because people tell me to make use of this period while it lasts, but that does not mean that I should not do nothing. I need to change my activity. That is something that I need to do, that is something that I will do.
Here’s to the start of something new (to use the title of a questionable song from like 10 years ago).